Announcer "Rinse the Blood Off My Toga," by Johnny Wayne and Frank Schuster—with apologies to William Shakespeare (and to Francis Bacon, just in case). (FX—horn flourish) Rome! 44 B.C. Flavius My name is Flavius Maximus, Private Roman Eye. Licence number MMMCMLXXXVIII. It also comes in handy as an eye chart. I'm gonna tell ya about the Julius Caesar Caper. It all began during the Ides of March. I had just nailed Spartacus the Gladiator, he had a crooked lion who kept takin' a dive. Anyhow, I was just beginning to rest on my laurels when, suddenly— HE burst in to my office. Brutus You Flavius Maximus, private eye? Flavius I certainly am. What can I do for you? What's on your mind? Brutus Just a minute— Are we alone? Flavius Yes, we're alone. Brutus Are you sure we're alone? Flavius Yes, yes, I'm sure we're alone! Brutus Then who's that standing beside you? Flavius That's you. Brutus I know, but can I be trusted? Flavius (aside) I could see I was dealing with no ordinary man. This guy was a nut! (to Brutus) All right, what's on your mind? Brutus Flavius Maximus, a terrible thing has happened. It's the greatest crime in the history of Rome. Flavius All right, give it to me straight. What's up? Brutus Julius Caesar has been murdered! Flavius Julius Caesar murdered! (aside) I couldn't believe my ears! Big Julie was dead! Brutus Yes, it happened just a few hours ago. Happened in the Senate; he was stabbed. Flavius Stabbed? In the Senate? Brutus No, not in the Senate. They got him right in the rotunda. Flavius That's a fatal spot. I had a splinter there once. Those marble splinters, you know— Brutus Boy, I tell you, all of Rome is in an uproar. I came to you because you are the top private eye in Rome. You've got to find the killer. Flavius Well, I'll try. Brutus Oh, you can do it. After all, you're the guy that got Clodius and Sullus and you sent them up on the invasion of the vestal virgins rap— Flavius Yes, the whole town was sure in an uproar about that, huh. Holy Jupiter! Brutus Now look, what do you say, Flavius? Will you take the case? Flavius Just a minute, pally. I'd like to know just whom I am working for? Brutus I'm a Senator. I was Caesar's best friend. The name is Brutus. Flavius Brutus,eh? All right, Brutus, you got yourself a boy. I'll take the case. My fee is 125 drachmas a day, in advance, of course. Brutus Okay, here you are! (FX—sound of coins tinkling) Flavius You're one short. (FX—one more coin) Brutus Hey, you got a good ear. Flavius When it comes to money—perfect pitch. Brutus Let's go, eh? Flavius I'm ready. (aside) We went outside—flagged a passing chariot and made our way down the Via Appia. The streets were crowded with the usual people—slaves,senators, tutors, patricians, and little men who came out of doorways to sell you postcards from Gaul. Before long we found ourselves at the Senate. Brutus Flavius, this is where it happened. This is where Big Julie got murdered. Flavius Yeah, well, where is the corpus delecti? Brutus The what? Flavius The corpus delecti, corpus delecti. Whassa matter, don't you understand plain Latin when you hear it? Brutus Oh, the stiff! Flavius Yeah, yeah. Brutus He's lying right over there. Flavius Would you look at that. Eight daggers in him. Brutus Yeah, what do you think? Flavius I think that if he were alive today, he'd be a pretty sick boy. He's really fixed for blades, eh? Brutus Oh, come on Flavius, you gotta solve this crime. Flavius All right, all right. Who are those men over there? Brutus They were all here when it happened. That's Publius, Casca, and there's Trebonius. Flavius Who's that guy over there with the lean and hungry look on his kisser? Brutus That's Cassius. Flavius Yeah? He looks like a loser from the Colosseum. Who do you think is the likeliest suspect? Brutus That fella next to him. Flavius Wait a minute—; that's you! Brutus I know, but how do you know I can be trusted? Flavius (aside) I could see that I was dealing with no ordinary case. This was a mental case. (to Brutus) Wait a minute, who's the dame? Brutus That's Calpurnia, Caesar's wife. Flavius Yeah, well she's a suspect, too. Wait a minute. Pardon me, Mrs. Caesar— Calpurnia Yes? Flavius Flavius Maximus, private Roman eye. I'd like to ask you a few questions. What do you know about this? Calpurnia I told him, Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie, I said. Don't go, it's the Ides of March— Flavius Now look, Mrs. Caesar, I'd— Calpurnia If I told him once, I'd told him a thousand times, "Julie, don't go—"— Flavius Please, don't upset yourself. Calpurnia "Julie, don't go," I said. "It's the Ides of March. Beware already." Flavius Centurion, would you take Mrs. Caesar home, please? Tiberius Come along, ma'am. Come along. Calpurnia (fading away) I told him, "Julie don't go, don't go—"— Flavius (aside) I don't blame him for going. (to senators) All right you Senators, you can go, too. But don't leave town. Brutus Well, what do you think? Flavius I don't know. There's not an angle anywhere. Not a clue. Brutus Cheer up Flavius. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. Flavius Hey, what was that? What did you just say? Brutus I said, Rome wasn't built in a day Flavius Hey, that's very good. "Rome wasn't built in a day." That's pretty good. Brutus You like it? Flavius Yeah, I like it. Brutus It's yours. Flavius Thanks. Well, let's reconstruct the crime: Caesar was over here, and— What's the matter? Brutus Look over there, behind that pillar. Ssh! There's somebody behind that pillar; I'll go get him— Flavius Right! Brutus All right buddy! Antony Ow—ow—ow— Stop it! Stop it! Flavius All right, buster, what are you doing around here. Antony Well, what do you expect me to be doing? Why shouldn't I be here? I'm Mark Antony. Flavius Mark Antony? Antony Yes. I just made a speech over the body of Caesar. I said, "Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears!" Flavius Yeah? What have you got in that sack? Antony Ears! Flavius Will you get out of here! Antony Wait a minute. Don't you want to know who bumped off Julius Caesar? Flavius Yeah. Do you know who did it? Out with it. What's his name? Antony (in pain) Ooh, oo—ee—ooo—aaah— Flavius That's a funny name. Must be Greek. Brutus Look, he's dead. Flavius (aside) What a confusing case. All I got is two dead bodies and a sack full of ears. Brutus Now, look, Flavius, I'm paying you a 110 drachmas a day— Flavius 125 drachmas! Brutus All right, you've got a good ear— Flavius I've got a sack full of good ears! Brutus Now, look; let's have some action, huh! Flavius All right, all right. Don't get your toga in a knot. Listen, I got a pal, Claudius. He runs a bar on the Via Flaminia. He should have a few answers for me. Brutus That's the idea. Get out among the people. Ask questions. After all, when in Rome, do as the Romans do! Flavius Hey, hey— what was that one? Brutus I said, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Flavius Oh, that's good. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"— Very good. Brutus Do you like it? Flavius Yeah. Brutus It's yours. Flavius Thanks! (aside) Claudius' Bar and Grill is a hangout where I get all the answers. It's just a small place with a few tables and a guy in the corner playing a crude, cool reed pipe. Claudius Hiya, Flavius. Flavius Hi, Claud. What's new? Claudius Nothin' much. What'll ya have? Flavius Give me a Martinus. Claudius Don't you mean a MartiNI? Flavius If I wanted two, I'd ask for it. By the way, could I have a bite to eat? Claudius Sure thing. What'll ya have? Flavius I could do with some pizzum. Claudius Don't you mean pizza? Flavius If I wanted more than one, I'd say so. (aside) A regular guy, Regulus Bibendus, wandered in. (to Regulus) Care for a drink? Regulus You bet. Claudius What'll you have? Let me guess, the two of you would like Ra and Cocae Colae? Or perhaps just one whiscUS, one vodkUM or one tequilUM? Regulus Enough already, smarty-tunic. You know what I always have, wine: vinum, vinum, vini, vino, vino, vina, vina, vinorum, vinis, vinis. Bloody comedian, you ought to be behind bars. Flavius Well this one usually is Claudius Here's your martinUM and your pizzUM, Flave. Regulus Hey, where's wine; didn't you hear my order? Claudius On the contrary; I distinctly heard you decline it. Flavius Let's get back to the business at hand. I'm working on this Julius Caesar kill; do you know of anything? Claudius Try that dame over there. Flavius Yeah? Claudius Yeah. Flavius All right, sister, start talking— Calpurnia I told him, "Julie, don't go. Don't go Julie—"— Flavius All right, out, out! Claudius Hey, look, Flavius, I think I know the guy you're looking for. Flavius You mean, Mr. Big? Claudius Yeah. His name is— (in pain) Ooee—oooo—ee—ah— Flavius Now that's an interesting name. Got a stylus? I'd like to write it down. Claudius? Claudius! (aside) I'd never get any more information out of him: he was dead! This was shaping up bigger than I thought. Suddenly, I looked up and there was Brutus. Brutus Hello, Flavius. Flavius Brutus, what are you doing here? Brutus I was looking for you. Hey, who's that on the floor? Regulus That's Claudius, the bartender. Brutus Hey, that's a funny place to carry a knife— in his back! Flavius He's dead. He was stabbed—through the portico. Brutus Hey, that's even more painful than the rotunda. Hey, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar? Flavius (aside) I started to think, and slowly the pieces fell into place. Brutus was the only man around when all those guys got killed. Caesar, Antony, the bartender. Brutus was always there. Things were beginning to add up. I put two and two together and it came out IV. It was time to make my move. Brutus Well, have you come up with any answers? Who killed Julius Caesar? Flavius Only one guy could have done it. Brutus Yeah, who? Flavius Let's not play games, Brutus, or should I say—Mr Big! Brutus What are you getting at? Flavius If the sandal fits, wear it. You knocked off Big Julie. Brutus You're out of your head! I hired you to find the killer. Flavius Pretty smart, but not smart enough. Now, are you gonna talk? Or do I have to call in a couple of centurions to lean on ya? Brutus All right, flatfoot, I admit it. I knocked off Big Julie, an' I'd do it again. Flavius That's all I wanted to know. I'm sending you up the Tiber for a long stretch. Come on, I'll call a chariot, and we'll go downtown. Brutus Don't move unless you want a dagger in the toga. I'm getting out of here, and don't try to stop me! Flavius (aside) He had the drop on me, but I knew where he was heading—the scene of the crime: the Senate. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in my chariot. (to Tiberius) Centurion, hand me that Ram's Horn. Tiberius Here you are, Flavius. Flavius All right, Brutus, this is Flavius Maximus. I know you're in there, come on out. Brutus Come and get me, you dirty rotten flatfoot! Flavius You haven't got a chance, Brutus. I got the Senate surrounded by a stake-out. Now, throw your sword down and come out with your hands up. Brutus Come and get me! Flavius Get smart, Brutus, we can smoke you out. We'll throw in incense. We'll throw in an onion with garlic on a spear. Brutus I don't care what you do! Flavius All right, you asked for it.(to Tiberius) Give it to him, Tiberius. (to Brutus) All right Brutus, I'll fill you fulla bronze. Brutus All right, you got me! (aside) Shamus! (to Flavius) But I'll be back. Flavius Oh no you won't. Brutus I'll be back. Just remember one thing, All roads lead to Rome. Tiberius Come on you; let's go. Flavius No, no; wait a minute—wait. Bring him back. Brutus What—what? Flavius That was a dandy! "All roads lead to Rome." That's the best. Brutus Do you like it? Flavius Yes— Brutus Well, you can't have it! (spits) Flavius Oh, get out of here! omnes All Hail Flavius! All Rome salutes you. Hail Flavius! Flavius Take him, boys. And now I got a date with a doll. Okay, baby, now are you sure your husband won't object? Calpurnia Well, frankly, I don't care. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times, "Don't go, Julie!" I said, "It's the Ides of March; beware already. Don't go, Julie, don't go—— (fade out) (FX—horn flourish) The End